Eagle Eye: A Dumbed-Down Amalgamation of Better Films, Reviewed Through Conversation

Instead of a conventional review, I’ll try to rehash the conversation I had with my girlfriend who didn’t see it afterward. This conversation will contain spoilers. Not that the plot is important in a film like this.

Her: “So, I’m not gonna see it. Who was after Shia? And why?”

Me: “A supercomputer that went rogue.”

Her: “Like Terminator.”

Me: “Right. But the main code for this computer is the Constitution, so it determines that the people need a better leader than the president, so it decides to kill the president and everyone in the chain of command following him.”

Her: “The Constitution?”

Me: “Right.”

Her: “That’s dumb.”

Me: “Yeah, and it opens the door to so many other questions, like does it view a black person as 3/5ths of a person. But so it decides to kill the president.”

Her: “Will Shia kill the president?”

Me: “No. They need Shia because he has an identical twin who worked for the supercomputer, and told it not to kill the president.”

Her: “Where’s the identical twin?”

Me: “He’s dead. The computer killed him.”

Her: “That’s dumb.”

Me: “Yeah. And so it needs the Shia character we follow in the movie to tell it that it’s okay to execute the operation to kill the president.”

Her: “So this computer can control traffic lights, machinery, missiles, and learn everything about you, but it can’t simply disobey Shia’s twin?”

Me: “Right. Which is particularly interesting since it disobeys everyone else, including people considerably higher on the food chain that the Shia twin.”

Her: “So wait, if the Shia twin was dead, how did everyone find out about the evil plot?”

Me: “The computer told the Shia twin its evil plot, and the Shia twin recorded it on his Blackberry.”

Her: “Can’t the computer hack into phones with great ease?”

Me: “I guess it was busy coming up with assassination ideas and forgot to delete the evidence.”

Her: “That’s dumb.”

Me: “Well, wait til you hear how the girl is involved.”

Her: “How?”

Me: “She wears the explosive necklace to the President’s State of the Union speech.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “There’s this new crystal, called Hex, which is like a hundred times more explosive than C-4. It’s cut and put into a necklace.”

Her: “How’d they cut it without setting it off?”

Me: “It’s triggered by a sonic pitch.”

Her: “So why did the computer use this girl?”

Me: “Because her son was in DC scheduled to play the trumpet for the National Anthem at the president’s speech, so they put the trigger into his trumpet, and set it so the bomb would explode on the high F of ‘land of the freeeeee.’”

Her: “That’s dumb.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Her: “Like, really really dumb.”

Me: “Yeah, I didn’t know supercomputers were able to execute dramatic irony.”

Her: “Why this lady? Why not any of the other moms?”

Me: “I don’t know. Because she’s single, sensitive, and really hot in a slinky black dress?”

Her: “Well, I’m sorry the movie was stinky.”

Me: “I mean, it was diverting enough. And Shia certainly is an appealing lead. I didn’t want my money back… at least not until the happy ending.”

Her: “What was the dumbest part?”

Me: “The supercomputer has its hard drives and memory removed, yet it still lives on and attempts to upload itself onto a satellite… until Rosario Dawson stabs it in its eye with a metal rod, and then it dies.”

Her: “Its eye?”

Me: “Yeah. Its Eagle Eye, I suppose.”

Her: “Har har.”

Me: “Yeah. The whole flick was basically the awesome parts of Die Hard 4 and Terminator, but not as awesome.”

Her: “Stinky.”

Me: “Yeah.”

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~ by russellhainline on October 7, 2008.

One Response to “Eagle Eye: A Dumbed-Down Amalgamation of Better Films, Reviewed Through Conversation”

  1. Glad you’re back and reviewing. I really do enjoy reading your writing, Russ. It’s quite good. Keep it up!

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