The Password is Swordfish

Wanna know what I’m thinking about the Oscars… as they’re happening? I’ll be updating this entry as the night progresses. To find all the updates, read on… and reload!

The pre-show on ABC has begun after an interminable Barbara Walters special. Penelope Cruz is so gorgeous. Vera Farmiga is rocking a wild ruffly dress that I inexplicably dig. Mo’Nique is looking emotional and confident, ready to give that acceptance speech.

Sarah Jessica Parker looks wrinkled and tan like a catcher’s mitt. Morgan Freeman naming his daughter Morgana is hilarious.

Apparently that Robert Pattinson movie has an ending that sounds atrocious and manipulative. I won’t spoil it here… but if you Google “Remember Me ending” I’m certain you’ll find it out. Let’s just say… 9/11 plays a part.

The Whoopi Goldberg commercial was funny– until she said it was about sanitary tissues for women who have wet panties. And one in three women suffer from it. There is literally no way in the world that I wanted that to be the ending to that commercial. I can’t think of an ending that could have made me more upset.

Regarding the hair of George Clooney and Zac Efron: Clooney’s was a bit long, but he has a hot Italian woman with him, so I think it’s the right length. I thought Efron’s hair looked immaculate and I was quite jealous.

There are few actors that are cooler than Jeff Bridges. Scratch that. There are NO actors cooler than Jeff Bridges. I would love if he won.

Watching Gabourey Sidibe speak after seeing her in the movie makes me appreciate her performance so much more. She couldn’t be more different than Precious. Speaking of different– Taylor Lautner looks far more skinny in real life than he did in New Moon, did he lose weight?

That Jennifer Lopez movie looks like Knocked Up, without laughs or likable performers.

Well, one can see Adam Shankman’s influence on the show, with the corny Broadway number and fabulous glittery extravagant costumes. That intro left me fairly cold. The hosts descending, however, are very funny.

“And this is Alec Baldwin.” God, I love Steve Martin. One of my favorite human beings ever to walk this Earth. The most losses joke? YES. The 5 times 2 joke? YES.

“There’s that Damn Helen Mirren.” “That’s Dame Helen Mirren.” Perfect timing. “Can that woman act, and what’s up with all the Hitler memorabilia?” I spit out my drink on that one. Can we get Steve Martin every year? I’m not joking. Every single year.

“She sent him a beautiful gift basket… with a timer!” “And he reciprocated by sending her… a Toyota!” They are KILLING this opening bit.

Alec Baldwin’s funny accent is hilarious. Both of them are flawless on the delivery. And the running George Clooney gag is also going to presumably get better every time they reference it.

These lengthy clips are interesting and fine now… but by the end of the night, these might get veeeeeery tiresome.

Waltz will obviously win. And he does. Stanley Tucci wouldn’t have made me mad if he won… but Waltz deserved it. Hahaha, “uber-bingo.” Good speech, Christoph.

The Blind Side montage– Lordy loo, Sandra Bullock looked good in that movie. They showed one of the most touching moments, where he says he’s never had a bed, but they also showed the silliest, when she goes and threatens the gang leader, as if he wouldn’t have shot her with zero hesitation in real life.

The Cameron Diaz/Steve Carell bit didn’t really work. The interviews with the nominated animated film stars didn’t really work either… until the Up bit, since the dog makes me laugh every time. Excellent. A deserving winner– Up is truly one of the best movies I’ve seen all year. They’re two-for-two so far this year. Good speech per usual from a Pixar employee.

They’re now three for three. The Crazy Heart song is stellar. T-Bone Burnett is a bit of a freak, looking like James Cameron’s drug-addled brother. And T-Bone didn’t say anything, haha. Seems fitting.

Most of these stars who are the presenters are very young. It’s funny that the Star Trek star introduces the film that bumped it from contention. District 9 is truly a great film… with no chance. But I’m glad it’s nominated.

Robert Downey Jr.’s tie is extremely stupid. Yet he is still very funny. Describing tech film people as “sickly mole people” is funny. This one will be a tight race… if The Hurt Locker wins, it looks good for The Hurt Locker to win. NICE. In your face, Tarantino. While the script isn’t perfect, I am pleased that it won over the long, rambly Basterds script. Good speech, Mark. Brief yet full of quiet emotion.

John Hughes memorial… nice. Molly Ringwald looks like if Jennifer Garner was wearing clown makeup. Very nice video package. It’s funny seeing the super young Robert Downey Jr. and Alec Baldwin.

Few actors have a better voice than Samuel Jackson. If Up won, I actually wouldn’t be upset in the slightest. It of course has zero chance. And Lord, that dog literally ALWAYS makes me laugh.

“Quite frankly, we’re sick of bringing out all of these ugly actresses.” Zoe Saldana’s slit… holy moly. The short film montage is actually really useful and great… usually it just gets the short end of the stick. Logorama gets the win… I only saw the first third of this film. It must have gotten the award for being so innovative in its visual style. The first one I missed tonight. Damn.

WHO IS THIS WOMAN WHO RUSHED THE STAGE? What a bizarre and awkward Oscar moment. I didn’t realize that Prudence was about a disease… I would’ve given it more of a shot. Damn, 0 for 3 on the shorts. They are really hard to predict… but usually I get one.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Ben Stiller as a Na’Vi is incredibly funny. The whole bit, a damn riot. The tail on the fishing rod… genius. Star Trek– nice, since they won’t win anything else, that they’ll get at least one statue.

That montage of A Serious Man does it absolutely no credit. It’s a funny, touching, and ultimately unsettling film.

This is such a stellar category. I really hope In The Loop wins… but it will be Up In The Air’s moment. Oh wow, the first big upset of the night! Precious wins! A very nice, emotional speech. “I wrote that speech for him.” Steve Martin! “Doing Bringing Down The House was the highlight of her entire career.” DOUBLE PUNCH. Genius.

A balls joke before the supporting actress award. Nice, Robin. Boy, Penelope Cruz was so great in that movie… and very sexy. Speaking of sexy… Vera Farmiga. Good googa mooga. Gyllenhaal is reliable, but it’s not an Oscar winning performance. Boy, Anna Kendrick could spoil here, she was really good… but everyone expects Mo’Nique to win, because really it was the best performance of the year. And it’s Mo’Nique. Good classy speech.

Avatar the obvious winner for Art Direction. Good speech by the guy who almost died.

Hehehehe, Sarah Jessica Parker as a horse. I hope that was intentional. The Young Victoria… another obvious winner. They LOVE corsets and wigs. This lady CLEARLY is a costumes person. Look at that get up… awesome. Sandy Powell seemed a weeeeee bit ungracious. Maybe that’s just me. Can anyone else hear gears turning at some points during the speeches? Or some sort of noise in the distant background of them changing the sets? Or is that just me too?

A terrific montage of Precious. They’re having a really good night, and I would be surprised if their box office receipts didn’t get a really nice bounce from this exposure.

Paranormal Activity gag… a bit stale. Kristen Stewart seems totally charmless. Sucks for Robert Pattinson that Taylor Lautner is such a bigger star than him now. Why a horror tribute? Somewhat strange. Thank God someone finally showed Leprechaun at the Oscars. I liked the use of the Young Frankenstein score. Twice the Leprechaun. Is New Moon really horror? Like at all? Lots of Fox movies in that montage. Go to deadlinehollywood.com if you want to see why Fox references have dominated this ceremony.

Let’s see how the sound awards pan out. Last year, I missed both. 😦 Now I’ve already missed one. The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Editing. I love the shot of the crying wife of the sound nerd. It makes him seem almost human. I got Sound Mixing however– The Hurt Locker again. This is looking very good for a Hurt Locker victory later tonight.

There could be a spoiler here. Let’s see… oh good, I thought Mauro Fiore deserved it.

Demi Moore looks like a walking swizzle stick. JAMES TAYLOR SIGHTING! Patrick Swayze… Eric Rohmer… David Carradine… Dom DeLuise… Brittany Murphy (yeesh)… Michael Jackson… Natasha Richardson (so sad)… Karl Malden… I do wish people wouldn’t applaud during the In Memoriam montage. But I wish that every year.

Sam Worthington, you couldn’t have spit out your gum? Come on, man. This dancing is pretty silly… they cut letting the artists sing their own songs at the ceremony… for THIS? Adam Shankman, you should know better. I know he’s the guy behind Step Up… but did you have to put Step Up in the Oscars? A couple of those dances were cool… but for the Oscars? Really? I’m sure it was cool there, but the way they filmed it wasn’t that exciting. UP! The best score won best score. Awesome.

P.S. Ronnie, I saw CCH Pounder too. Also awesome.

Avatar had zero chance of losing this. It has maybe the best effects work I’ve ever seen.

Sidenote: Greg Brainos, a very funny stand-up comedian, wrote, “After Mo’Nique won Best Supporting Actress, that Oscars stage should have won Best Supporting Stage.” Ba-dump-ching! Check out his blog: http://gregbrainos.wordpress.com/ (You’re welcome, Greg.)

The Cove– I really wanted to see this. Looks cool. Glad it won. Mostly because I picked it.

Tyler Perry self-deprecating… nice! Oh man, his joke about Alec Baldwin thinking he was in The Blind Side… hilarious. The Hurt Locker now looks like an absolute lock for Best Picture after cleaning up on these smaller awards. They’ve got to be feeling really good about now.

13-6 heading into the home stretch, and liking my odds on the final few. Foreign Film will give me a huge home run if The Prophet wins. But I highly doubt now that I end up missing any more than 8 max. I wish I’d put The Hurt Locker as Best Editing. I actually told someone to put The Hurt Locker for that category as a LOCK. And yet I changed it. Never second guess your locks.

Damn, El Secrete de sus Ojos. 13-7. One of my weaker showings in recent years. That’s a bit of an upset though, so I shouldn’t be too upset.

Jeff Bridges, after the longest intro ever. I’m so glad he’s finally won. 14-7. Nice speech, man.

Helen Mirren= hottest old lady ever. Gabourey Sidibe= it’d be so awesome if she won. Sean Penn= this guy is just a rambling idiot. Sandra Bullock WINS! While I’m not the biggest fan of her films, she is truly awesome. The Tuohy woman is so sassy. Great speech.

Barbra Streisand… thank you, Adam Shankman, for dusting her off for this. Kathryn Bigelow wins– very nice. A worthy recipient of the first female director winner. Mark Boal is sobbing like a girl.

The Hurt Locker wins! 17-7, a little over 70%. If I’d picked The Hurt Locker for Editing like I recommended to folks before inexplicably changing it, I would have had 75%. So I’m not too far off of my usual predicting skills. Shwing.

Thanks for watching y’all! Continue to leave bunches of comments!

~ by russellhainline on March 7, 2010.

Posted in The Thoughts of Russell Hainline
Tags: Academy Awards, Academy Awards 2010, Oscars, Oscars 2010